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March 2, 2011 / moldyboo

Remember high school, download O.A.R., kill yourself

When your computer fails to connect to the internet for more than two minutes, you probably panic.  You can’t get to Pandora, the luscious planet of endless music and hidden shame that had narrowed down your perfect station to only play the song Ohio (Come Back to Texas) by Bowling for Soup.  Don’t judge me.  You have an equally horrible song that you love and you would give anything to hear that song on a loop interrupted by McDonalds commercials.  What?  You don’t?  Because Ohio (Come Back to Texas) by Bowling for Soup is the worst song of all time?  Tell that to Almost by Bowling for Soup.  Please.  Tell somebody.  I have to stop listening to these songs.  If sadomachochism is defined as the combination of sadistic and masochistic elements in one person, characterized by both aggressive and submissive periods in relationships with others, then Bowling for Soup is the dominatrix in my own personal chamber of discordant musical torture.  If it’s not, then http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sadomasochism is wrong.

So, during the two minutes of no internet, I turned to my downloads in order to listen to music.  Luckily, I had downloaded an album a very long time ago.  Even luckilier, it was by the most awesome band of all time: O.A.R.  As a sadomasochist, I often confuse pleasure with pain, and pleasant melodies with downloading guitar tabs in high school of jam bands that I often look back on with misplaced admiration.  So I start to play the album, and it’s the worst thing I have ever heard.  Not only do I not remember what I liked about this music, I don’t remember anything about the music at all.  This is partly because I had downloaded the wrong album.  I was listening to a shitty album they released three years ago instead of the shitty album they released ten years ago.  I know that the music that I’m listening to is shitty, because earlier I classified Ohio (Come Back to Texas) by Bowling for Soup as my favorite song of all time, and I still considered this bad.  Try listening to Ohio (Come Back to Texas) by Bowling for Soup and then try to be happy for the next week.  It’s impossible.  I am angry all the time because I am constantly listening to that song and it is constantly refueling my hunger for McDonalds because either their guitarist is morbidly obese or because commercials for McDonalds are the only thing breaking the nonstop sequence of torture I inflict on myself.

Okay, I finally down voted Ohio (Come Back to Texas) by Bowling for Soup, and the first song that Pandora plays is Shattered by O.A.R. Pandora!  Bad!  This is actually happening as I’m writing this.  Pandora is refueling my depravity by reading my diary and simultaneously integrating it into its repertoire of pain.

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