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March 9, 2011 / moldyboo

Appeal to Obama

Dear Mr. President,

When I was little, my little sister, who, at the time, was seven years younger than I was, wrote a letter to President Clinton.  I was amazed that she got a quick response from the White House.  It didn’t exactly address any of the issues that she brought up.  Nor did it mention her by name.  Nor was it written in crayon to keep the consistency of the correspondence.  However, it did have President Clinton’s name on it, so I knew that he read it.

I probably will not be reading the content of the letter that you probably are not going to write me.  I’ll read as much of the letter that you put time into writing.  I want the date at the top.  Next, I would like for you to express exactly whom you are addressing.  Then, I would like for the body to be written using words and punctuation.  After that, I would like your name and some sort of presidential seal.  Finally, and most importantly, I would like for you to attach a picture of you walking a pig.  If the letter part is too much, you can simply send me the picture of you walking a pig.

Once I receive the photo of the pig-walking, you can be sure that you might have my vote in 2012.  Of course, that will depend on your performance until then, as well as the competency of your campaign.  Also, though I am not writing any other candidate, if, for example, Sarah Palin were to send me a photo of her walking a pig, the ante will have then been upped.  The only way to top that would be for you to send me a picture of you walking two pigs.  I am a Democrat, but anything can happen before the next election.  Though the pig-walking picture will not guarantee a vote from me, it sure would be a step in the right direction.

This could also be used to appeal to certain constituents.  For example, observant Jews and Muslims do not eat pork.  Also, the First Lady has been giving a lot of her attention to improving the health of America’s children.  What better way to illustrate this than by showing that you not only possess the ability to walk, but you also maintain the capability to not eat pigs while simultaneously walking them.  Of course, I do not want the pork industry to be hurt by this.  That is why I will now tell you how much I enjoy bacon.  I enjoy bacon.

I realize that I am not actually sending you anything.  I am just posting this in my blog.  However, you know where to find me.  My email address is balkin.jeremy@gmail.com.

Sincerely,

Jeremy

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