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July 21, 2011 / moldyboo

The Middle East Feast Process

I am really glad that I did not post the thing that I did not post. If you would like to see it, please let me know and I will be sure to never show you or anybody else.

On the tail end of the first part of my Subway diet, I look forward to eating processed meats and other unidentifiable, edible treats that will have been provided for me by United Airlines®. There is also a fifty percent chance (pending coin flip) that I will be riding first class, which is advertised as being not a Subway® restaurant. Though my first non-Subway® will decidedly be terrible, it still has the advantage of not being a Subway® sandwich. I think that the knowledge that the thing I’m eating is not from Subway® will carry my enjoyment for at least half of the meal. The fact that it probably will be a sandwich is troubling. Am I going to dislike sandwiches for the rest of my life? Will I be appalled by sliced meats and the choice to either have or to not have banana peppers? Will Jared Fogle, who currently mocks me in my own dreams, found a cult forcing its members to kill themselves slowly by having their life sucked out by the eventual realization that life is about more than bland turkey sandwiches? It’s also about bacon.

I think that my reinstatement into food will be a pleasant experience. I am going to Israel on Sunday. I was excited about the prospect of eating different foods until Eran told me that there is a twenty-four-hour Subway® near his house in Israel. I cannot escape it. God is punishing me for all of the times I didn’t use my turn signal. That is actually a big deal to God. I feel like Fox Mulder walking into the FBI building while actually digging deeper into the cave where he found psychedelic mushrooms. That was a really specific reference. It also has nothing to do with anything I have ever said.

Though I ultimately did have an accidental date for the twenty-five pound challenge, the second phase of my diet begins August 3. Maybe I won’t advertise the new challenge and on the day of the event will get another text from a girl I’ve never met. Those are the best kinds.

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